Last night’s appearance by Stolmy Pimental had social media abuzz about the quality of his name. This made me think; if we were to make a Rangers starting lineup based solely on the quality of the players name, what would it look like?
Did I just waste two hours at work putting together a current Rangers All-Name team? You bet I did.
Do I have anything better to do with my life? I wish. Will the randomness of my search history lead to the termination of my employment? Fair chance.
Without further ado, here are the Texas Rangers All-Name teams. Enjoy.
Current Ranger All-Name Team
(Combination of all MLB and MiLB Rangers players)
C- Yohel Pozo. I’m pretty sure this was a soup I ordered after having six margaritas.
1B- Rock Shoulders. This might be my favorite name ever. I would easily believe that this Rule 5 pick was a super hero or an adult film star before I figured out he was a baseball player. Did Key and Peele name this guy?
2B- Rougned Odor. Which one? You decide. We’ve got two of them.
SS- Yeyson Yrizzari. It’s not Jayson. “It might be a soft J. I'm not sure. It's supposed to be wild.”- Ron Burgundy.
3B- Guilder Alfredo Rodríguez Pérez. You can’t even pretend that the first thing that came to your head when you read that name wasn’t “I bet he’s a ladies man”.
OF- Nomar Shamir Jaminian Mazara. The Red Sox had to trade MLB’s first Nomar to end the Curse of the Great Bambino. I sure hope the current Rangers curse does not require a sacrificial Nomar, because this one is going to be awesome for a long time.
OF-Yimmelvyn Alonzo. High leg kick, flashy free swinger with a name to match. Say it with me, “Ya-mel-vin”. I like it.
OF- Shin-soo Choo. Rangers fans have him through 2020, let’s hope we get some joy from him other than just saying his name.
DH- Prince Fielder. It’s funny how numb we have become to how awesome of a name Prince Fielder truly is. He is the son of baseball royalty and he is a fielder. That would be like my parents naming me Peasant Hackwriter.
SP- Nerfy Nunez. Alliteration paired with the memory of childhood toys.
RP- Keone Kela. He speaks Hawaiian Pigin. I am not sure what that means, but now I want to surf and eat seafood with this guy.
Who did I miss? Feel free to add your favorites in the comment section.